"God, he was a nice kid though. I slept in the garage the night he died, and I broke all the goddamn windows with my fist, just for the hell of it. It was a very stupid thing to do, I'll admit, but I hardly didn't even know I was doing it, and you didn't know Allie."
I was five years old when my mom got cancer. A brain tumor. The doctors said there was a large chance she wouldn't make it. Imagine being a five-year-old and seeing other kids and their moms going out for an ice cream cone after school while your own mother sat in a dimly-lit hospital room two hours away. That was my life.
And it's hard. It really is.
It's hard to live the "normal life" when you're missing the glue of the household.
It's hard to live the "normal life" when every weekend you visit the scary place that holds life and death in its hands.
It's hard to live the "normal life" when you're five-freaking-years-old and your mom is about to die.
It's hard to live the "normal life" when all you want to do is just give up.
Holden Caulfield knows that.
My mom survived the surgery that successfully removed her brain tumor. She came back home.
But the damage to me had been done. I was five going on thirty, just a kid forced to grow up much too fact. Because of having to take care of myself while she was gone. Because of watching her struggle. Because of the pain. Because of all that, I wasn't five-years-old anymore. I was past my carefree childhood and my fun adolescence. I was an adult in a kid's body, surrounded by the feelings of hurt and loss, and suffering and pain.
Holden Caulfield understands that.
Sometimes people are forced to grow up much too fast. They see things and live through things that no child should have to witness, and it makes them older.
Holden Caulfield is like that.
Holden had to stand there and live through the death of one of his closest friends - his brother Allie. He stood through pain a thousand times tougher than what I've experienced and turned from a thirteen-year-old to an adult in a matter of minutes. We grow up when we're around pain. It forces us to.
Life is a game, and there's no game on Earth without pain. It's how we deal with the pain that counts. It's not easy - on the contrary, it is terrifying. It is hard to wake up one day years older than you were yesterday and have to move on through the sea of pain - but this is life, and you have to.
Holden Caulfield may not know that yet, but he needs to.
i don't know what to say.
ReplyDeletethat's the truth, the honest truth, and that's it...
Wow...what a reflection, Jordan. I think tough stuff similar to what you went through with your mom forever change us and 'ages' us. Events like that shape us and teach us how to look at the world and deal with others...Holden is choosing to look at the world as fake and 'phony.' In many ways, he does seem very mature; however, I can't help but think he is rebelling against growing up too. It makes me wonder how much of his actions and attitude stem from his loss or from being a normal teenager???
ReplyDeleteI was thinking along the same lines...but with Holden something must have gone more than wrong. I mean, he was a 13 year old boy, which is a tough age as it is. Also, he would have been fully aware of what was going on and I think that this factor alone is one of the reasons why he is how he is, at this point in the book.
ReplyDeleteJordan, you are an amazing writer, I'm justing going to throw that out there. I understand exactly what you're saying, and I know that it is true. Though I have not experienced anything that I recall forcing me to grow up...I've heard of people who have and who they've become. In fact my cousin could be an example, and she's struggled a lot, I think. Because she had to be the adult in her family until she found my aunt. Then she could be a kid again. Though I think in a way she was a lot like HOlden, I think she had trouble with the transition and eveything. Your message from your blog is very true, very real.
ReplyDeleteJordan,
ReplyDeleteYou have such a way with words. I can't imagine going through something like that. Obviously Holden has experienced something like your situation. I think that you went through the stages of become an adult much faster than Holden has. Maybe he is still in a stage and can't get out of it. Your post is so true and so very, very real! I think you and Holden have a lot in common and I bet you could teach Holden many things!
Before i post i comment i just want you to know that almost any time i read or hear somthing that i dont agree with 100% i rip it apart in my head to find a flaw. For instance when i was younger i went through pain also (although it was much different from yours), but it didn't make me grow up. If anything it showed me how horrible growing up was, and i tried to remain a child for as long as i could.
ReplyDeleteThat was me trying to kill your well constructed thesis for no good reason. However to be honest i completely understand your idea and think you explained it well.